A Baby... Please?

How good it is to have a place like this, where you can ask so many sisters for advice! Masha'Allah. I hope you're all doing well.

The situation:

My husband has a daughter (9) from a previous relationship. I wasn't clever enough to talk about our future together and if he would like to have any more kids, when I got married to my husband at the age of 22. At that time I had no need to have children of my own and I even though it would be enough for me with just his daughter. When I turned 25 things changed and I suddenly felt a deep desire to have my own children some day (not in too many years) and now at the age of 26 the desire is still there and I almost can't imagine how my life would be, when I get older, and I hadn't gotten any children of my own!...

In the beginning of our marriage my husband always said, that you can't, as a man, marry a young woman and say you don't want to have any kids (if she hasn't gotten any already). I agreed with that... And still do! But lately he's said things like "do we really need to have children?!" (he thinks it's sooo much work!)... And it makes me quite uncomfortable, 'cause I really don't want to be the kind of woman who forces her man to have kids with her :-/ and I also know that my husband has a hard time with women who want to have kids no matter if the husband likes it or not!! 

Do you have any advice for me and has somebody perhaps been in the same situation?

I really find it hard to pick up the subject with my husband 'cause I am afraid of what it will lead to... Afraid that he will ask me to choose between him - or to leave and have kids with somebody else some day...

Of course I make duaa too!... And I also know I should just trust Allah (swt) and not worry too much...
I really would love to experience being pregnant and experience the unique love (as they say) that you experience with your own baby/kids... I would feel as if I would not be completed as a woman, if I didn't have kids and I feel like I'm already in love with that little baby who isn't even a reality yet......

He Made Possible the Impossible

Subhan'Allah, He did it again. He answered my prayers and made possible the impossible. Alhamdulillah.

I wrote in my last post that my husband and I were going to attend a "non-firmation" this Saturday. My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and I tell you; those 4 years have not been easy, when it comes to my family accepting my husband :-/ (because of various reasons -like Islam...). It's been a battle! And I was fearing that the party yesterday would be like the other ones, where my husband doesn't feel included at all and my closest family doesn't really talk to him.

But Alhamdulillah, He answered my duaas and my husband told me today that yesterday was the first time that he felt that my family (at least some of it) was his family too! Alhamdulillah. My mother invited us to their place next Sunday and I pray that it will be a positive experience for us, 'cause until now, there hasn't been many and I get all anxious, when we have to see my parents or other family. Please make duaa for us -- that the warmth in my family will increase and my husband will feel accepted and welcome. Insha'Allah. And "Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity" (2:286).

This morning I read some of Surah Al-Imran and was especially moved by the following, which I feel is so true and powerful indeed:

قُلِ اللَّهُمَّ مَالِكَ الْمُلْكِ تُؤْتِي الْمُلْكَ مَن تَشَاء وَتَنزِعُ الْمُلْكَ مِمَّن تَشَاء وَتُعِزُّ مَن تَشَاء وَتُذِلُّ مَن تَشَاء بِيَدِكَ الْخَيْرُ إِنَّكَ عَلَىَ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ ﴿

Say, `O Allâh! the Lord of all power, You grant power to whomsoever You will and take away power from whomsoever You please, and confer honour and dignity on whomsoever You will and disgrace whomsoever You will. All good lies in Your hand. Verily, You are the Possessor of full power to do all You will, (3 : 26)


تُولِجُ اللَّيْلَ فِي الْنَّهَارِ وَتُولِجُ النَّهَارَ فِي اللَّيْلِ وَتُخْرِجُ الْحَيَّ مِنَ الْمَيِّتِ وَتُخْرِجُ الَمَيَّتَ مِنَ الْحَيِّ وَتَرْزُقُ مَن تَشَاء بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ ﴿٢٧

You cause the night to merge into the day and cause the day to merge into the night, and bring forth the living from the dead and bring forth the dead from the living, and provide (all sorts of provisions) to whomsoever You will without measure.' (3: 27 )

Yesterday was a reminder for me of the power of duaa and how Allah (swt) is always there and that we never know, what will come! The impossible can become possible by His Will.

The Brain & Our Step Family

I just got home from lessons at the socalled Center for Brain Injuri. Especially after lessons at this place I thank Allah (swt) deeply for having a healthy brain and body, Alhamdulillah. With a healthy and well-functioning brain comes, of course, the ability to think and ponder about things and worry etc. which is not always something I enjoy... But of course it's quite essential in this life as a human being and in the interaction with other people, who have the same abilities. Lots of things are going through my mind at the time...

One thing is my dad and cancer. Alhamdulillah it had not spread in my dad's body, so he is getting a curing treatment now, insha'Allah, although it also has a lot of side effects. But that treatment was what he wished for the most and I thank you all for your prayers and support!

Another thing that is nagging me is that my step daughter (9) is coming today (staying till Monday). Well it's not that she is coming, but it's the fact that suddenly after three quite good years, our relationship has started to become difficult. I mean, it's always been a challenge for all of us to make this step family function "perfectly", because it's simply not easy for the child, nor the father or the stepmother. Actually the father is the only one who has chosen both the daughter (by having her in the first place) and his wife (me) and his daughter and I just have to get along. Whew there are many many diffucult feelings to handle in a stepmom-/dad and step child relationship (not to mention in regard of the ex-wife too!) and you surely don't become a happy little step family on one day - if you ever become that anyway!
It needs work, just like any other thing in life. And for the stepmom it needs understanding of the child and how he/she is (for many years!) hurting from the divorce of his/her parents and how the step parent becomes the symbol of that divorce and an obstacle in the way of the parents getting together again (although this is just what the child feels and not reality).
I just ask from Allah (swt) to help us all make this a peaceful and loving home, where we all learn to live respectfully together.

To help my step family I have read quite a few books on the topic and recently read The Smart Step Mom, which was the first book to help us (my husband and I) to see the best way of "cooking our step family", as they call it in the book. It helped us view our situation in a completely new way and today will be the first day of these new views to become true!! That's why I am excited and nervous too... And I so hope everything will become better soon (actually mostly the feelings of my step daughter towards me), insha'Allah.
Before getting married to a man with a child I had no idea what I was going into!! And Subhan'Allah this has helped me (and forced me) to grow in so many ways.


So wish me luck for today and the upcoming days... My husband is also going to have a talk with his daughter about step families etc. which I am sure will help too to soothe her feelings, insha'Allah. Poor girl doesn't understand where all the hatred comes from... So all we can do is to talk to her, recognize her feelings and help her when she is hurting.
- Just to get this clear, her parents separated years before my husband and I got to know each other, but still my step daughter can feel that I am the reason for them not coming together again...
All these thoughts, feelings etc. emerge from these well-functioning brains... Hehe. And being a human being we face many many difficulties in our lives that we must try to grow from, overcome, survive etc. and remember to ask Allah (swt) for help from :)

If there are any stepmothers out there, feel free to share your experiences as a stepmom and how you all learned to thrive and not just survive :) (hopefully). Step children are also very welcome to share thoughts and views on this topic :)


In a few moments I'll start cooking this lovely dish from Ya Salam Cooking :) and around 6PM I'll go by bike through the icy wind(!) to the place where I play the violin in the Symphony Orchestra. It always cheers me up to play there.


Take care all of you :)

Thank You Sisters for Your Support

Dear sisters!

I thank you all so much for your supporting words and your duaas.

The surgery went well today and my dad is doing well, Alhamdulillah! Now we're just awaiting the results to see which treatment he can get for the cancer. Insha'Allah he can get the best one that can cure him.

Take care all of you. Lots of love from me to you.

Asking You a Favour

Dear sisters. I think I need to ask you a favour. I've been making lots of duaa myself and will make more, because my dad has gotten diagnosed with cancer and is going to get operated tomorrow. It isn't an operation, which is going to cure him, but an operation to see, if the cancer has spread throughout his body... Insha'Allah it hasn't! And he will be able to get a curing treatment. Insha'Allah!

So I ask you to please make duaa for my dad and also my family to keep up the good mood and the hope.

Cancer is a scary disease (also when you're not afraid of death...) and so many people are getting it :-/ But I do believe that we can heal, also from cancer, if we have trust in Allah (swt) and are devoted to Him and ask Him for help.
Actally I am not terribly sad (yet), which I think is because I didn't give up hope yet and neither did my dad, but I do think he could need some duaa, because undergoing surgery isn't easy and being sick isn't easy either... I know Allah (swt) knows best, what is going to happen to us and in the end, it is up to Him, what the destiny of my dad is, when it comes to staying in this world longer or leaving it. Us who love him of course hope that he will stay for many many more years. Insha'Allah.

Jealousy

Have you ever been jealous? Have you ever been afraid of your husband finding somebody else more attractive than you or more intelligent or more pious than you and afraid that it would start something in his mind? And you could eventually loose him?...
Most of us know that jealousy is a very strong feeling! People have even killed in the name of jealousy! And of course we as Muslims also know that Shaitaan is part of this destructive game.
Sadly I am one of these women, who can easily become very very jealous and insecure.
I know that this feeling started already when I was a child and my dad would sometimes talk more to some other woman than to me. I got so jealous and so afraid of losing him! And if you know just a little about psychology, it's not uncommon that such childhood-patterns continue in your life as an adult. I believe that we also through our thoughts attract more of the same experiences - that we get what we expect or that we see the world through our own filter and interpret our environment, the way that we think it really is. That's one of the reasons why I think I have experienced this feeling over and over again in relationships with boys (before I reverted to Islam) and also now in my marriage. Sadly I have not just once experienced the one I had given my heart to, being unfaithful to me and I do realize that most people would become jealous and of course angry too in such situations. I guess these experiences have made my jealousy much worse in the way that I often actually don't have a reason for my jealousy. It's just a feeling that I have become so used to having - and if I hear that my husband talked to some woman and if he tells me something about her, which I think sounds just a bit toooooo "great", the green-eyed monster pops up.
I've never been proud of it and even less as a Muslim, because I think jealousy is such a "wrong" feeling and so much an opposite to all the wonderful feelings I can have. But I guess this is just part of being human - there are feelings we need to learn to tame and we need to grow more as human beings, insha'Allah.

I could so much be the blonde girl in this picture... :-/ "Jealousy is a terrible disease. Get well soon". This quote I read somewhere on the Internet and it made me smile, but also reminded me, of how destructive jealousy is. I also read that "Jealousy is a form of anger brought on by a fear of loss", which is also very clear to me.

So... I guess I know all the reasons for my jealousy, fear, anger and insecurity! I just haven't found the magic key to dissolving this issue and living a life, where I don't mistrust the ones I really love. If you have any experience with jealousy and overcomming it, you are so welcome to share it here with me. I would love to hear Muslim women's approach to this and how some of you might have learned to move on and become happier people. I've heard the phrases "just trust in Allah (swt)" and "it's just Shaitaan, who's whispering into your ears" and sadly these phrases haven't helped me this far. I know I have to trust more in Allah (swt), but somehow I haven't been able to do this enough to rule out the jealousy...

deros - Love in Your Direction

We cannot deny the fact that this Blogger-world is not always just for fun - or ever...! And you do engage yourself in other real people's lives. And therefore, we (just like in the real world out there) need to support each other, if somebody is not feeling well or going through hard times. - And we all experience that from time to time in our lives!

So every sister and brother who cares: deros seems to need some extra love these days, so please let her know that also you are thinking about her - even when you just started doing it; it still means something.

And deros, I hope you don't mind this post (else I'll remove it immediately!). I posted it because I think that it has a lot of positive effects, when many people pray for a person or send love in a person's direction!!! Take care sister! And hopefully you feel the love.

The P-word

I'm curious to know how you sisters would handle husbands and their eventual use of pornography!?

Would you get all emotional about it? Or wouldn't it matter to you - 'cause in the end Allah (swt) knows best and everybody will have their suitable punishment?? Would you discuss it in your marriage?

I know some non-muslim's perspectives on this subject, but I'm interested in knowing some sisters' perspectives too, where Islam, of course, has an influence.

There are sooo many men (and women) watching pornography now-a-days. Muslims too of course. And I believe many wives are struggling to accept their (muslim) husbands watching pornography... I find it sad to perform your night prayer, which should be so full of light, insha'Allah, and then go to bed and enter a world so full of darkness - which is how I see pornography.

On xyonline.net Gail Dines quotes it very well: "“In pornography nobody makes love. They all make hate.” The man makes hate to the woman’s body. It’s about the destruction of intimacy". You might want to read the article here:
G. Dines: How “Pornland” destroys intimacy and hijacks sexuality.

With Hardship Comes Ease...

Allahu akbar! Again Allah (swt) showed me how incredibly amazing (too poor words...) He is and how He is always there and always have something for you - when you ask and when you don't...

I was feeling sad and frustrated because of a conversation/discussion with my husband, which again ended up with the conclusion that I never communicate enough. I always try avoiding conflicts and to ask too much of my husband and then of course conflicts arise in the end...

In stead of keeping the discussion going, which I usually would have done, I turned to Allah (swt) in prayer. I really realized then that when I, as a human being, can't sort out something, who is the Only One having the answers to every question?!...

I asked for help in my duaa and then in the Qur'an. Subhan'Allah... He gave me this beautiful answer:

Morning Thoughts

Just had yoghurt, the last ginger cookies from this Eid and African rooibush tea for breakfast. I want to try making Sweet Fried Bread, which was what a dear Somali sister gave me a few times this Ramadan. Yummi! It tastes so good!

These days are still diffucult for me because of marital difficulties... But I try to survive it by doing things I like to do and not spending too much time alone thinking and worrying. That usually doesn't help. What our marriage needs is to be defined a-new - and I don't think that is so easy at all. Mm, Allah (swt) will help me insha'Allah. Perhaps some of you out there also experienced something like this? If so: What helped you the most? How did you become closer again and regain the attraction and respect (among other things) towards each other?

Tough Times

I'm going through quite tough times in my marriage...and this is the time, where I need all my trust in Allah (swt)!! And it is difficult..difficult to be a human being and believe that things are going to work out just fine, insha'Allah.
Without going into details, my husband is struggling with some serious things that also affect me and our relationship... I think I need to learn to live my own life more fully and not focus so much on him and us... and pray to Allah (swt) that everything will be all right and my husband will be healed some day. And me too...
If any of you sisters out there have also gone through tough, uncertain and challenging times in your relationships, please share with me, if there was something that helped you keep your head up high and thinking positively.