Jealousy

Have you ever been jealous? Have you ever been afraid of your husband finding somebody else more attractive than you or more intelligent or more pious than you and afraid that it would start something in his mind? And you could eventually loose him?...
Most of us know that jealousy is a very strong feeling! People have even killed in the name of jealousy! And of course we as Muslims also know that Shaitaan is part of this destructive game.
Sadly I am one of these women, who can easily become very very jealous and insecure.
I know that this feeling started already when I was a child and my dad would sometimes talk more to some other woman than to me. I got so jealous and so afraid of losing him! And if you know just a little about psychology, it's not uncommon that such childhood-patterns continue in your life as an adult. I believe that we also through our thoughts attract more of the same experiences - that we get what we expect or that we see the world through our own filter and interpret our environment, the way that we think it really is. That's one of the reasons why I think I have experienced this feeling over and over again in relationships with boys (before I reverted to Islam) and also now in my marriage. Sadly I have not just once experienced the one I had given my heart to, being unfaithful to me and I do realize that most people would become jealous and of course angry too in such situations. I guess these experiences have made my jealousy much worse in the way that I often actually don't have a reason for my jealousy. It's just a feeling that I have become so used to having - and if I hear that my husband talked to some woman and if he tells me something about her, which I think sounds just a bit toooooo "great", the green-eyed monster pops up.
I've never been proud of it and even less as a Muslim, because I think jealousy is such a "wrong" feeling and so much an opposite to all the wonderful feelings I can have. But I guess this is just part of being human - there are feelings we need to learn to tame and we need to grow more as human beings, insha'Allah.

I could so much be the blonde girl in this picture... :-/ "Jealousy is a terrible disease. Get well soon". This quote I read somewhere on the Internet and it made me smile, but also reminded me, of how destructive jealousy is. I also read that "Jealousy is a form of anger brought on by a fear of loss", which is also very clear to me.

So... I guess I know all the reasons for my jealousy, fear, anger and insecurity! I just haven't found the magic key to dissolving this issue and living a life, where I don't mistrust the ones I really love. If you have any experience with jealousy and overcomming it, you are so welcome to share it here with me. I would love to hear Muslim women's approach to this and how some of you might have learned to move on and become happier people. I've heard the phrases "just trust in Allah (swt)" and "it's just Shaitaan, who's whispering into your ears" and sadly these phrases haven't helped me this far. I know I have to trust more in Allah (swt), but somehow I haven't been able to do this enough to rule out the jealousy...

Nothing to Worry About...

Okay, did I do something wrong? Or did they just forget me? Or do they just expect me to come, because they know I am aware of the date and they love me? Or do they just expect me to come, without reminding me again, because of course they want me to be there 'cause I'm so awesome? Or... did they change their plans? Or have they just been too busy and haven't gotten to the point yet, where people are being invited? Or am I just too uncool for them...?

- Oh how we are all being challenged in this world on our trust in Allah (swt) and our patience!! :) And how we can all get completely lost in wordly worries!! :-/

Blogger friends... I'll tell you what's going on here. My friend and her boyfriend are tying the knot and throwing a party! I know it's going to take place the upcoming weekend, because my friend told me some time ago. She was really excited about it and I too, 'cause I think they make a wonderful couple, masha'Allah! I talked to her on the phone a while ago, asking how she was and if they were still throwing the engagement party that specific weekend.

Now I've been waiting for an invitation for a long time already, but I didn't receive anything yet... I wonder if it's "normal" not to have invited people yet a week before the party is going to take place?!

My husband said not to worry. Perhaps they forgot or perhaps they aren't inviting their friends (?!) and perhaps they just don't want me to join... (?!).

I always thought it was hard finding real good friends that you can trust and share everything with! I think I've perhaps been too picky, but on the other hand, I often felt very different than most of the people around me and I felt as if I lived in a different world than them - and also I always had my younger sister (23) and my older sister (31) as my closest friends!

Now where I'm 25 I finally got used to it :) And I finally realized (actually after meeting my husband) that there's nothing wrong with me! *Whew* ;) Actually people mostly tend to like me, but often they don't understand me or the things that occupy me... :) I think that many spiritually aware people (I'd like to catogorize myself as one of them...) experience the feeling of not really belonging or a feeling of being different. I do have close friends, but I met them abroad and they don't live close to me. I love them because we understand each other and have the same goals in life (spiritual development, personal growth etc.).

I think these people are rare in this world and if Allah (swt) wants you to meet them, He will make it happen. If you are not meeting them, there's a message in that for you aswell... Allah (swt) is giving me many possibilities to meet other likeminded people - and recently He opened my eyes to blogging - and first I thought "why?" - but now that I have "met" so so many likeminded sisters here, I understand why I had to go into the blogging world and what great pleasure it gives me and how we can even be there for each other here!!

Of course it would be a wonderful dream come true, if all this was taking place psysically and we could meet up after school or work or at the masjid! :)

True friendships are hard to find and are perhaps just as unique as the partner you have married or are going to meet eventually. Life has ups and downs and happy times and disappointing times. Luckily we can often laugh at the disappointing or hard times later in life. For example I invited my (back then) best friend for my wedding three years ago. It was a really small ceremony, 'cause my husband and I don't like it big but like the small and intimate. So it was just parents and one of his friends and my friend. But you know what? She never showed up... Later she told me that she'd arrived a bit too late, looked in through the window and didn't want to disturb - and just biked back home... Oh dear! My husband's friend (a very wise and spiritual man indeed!) silently told me that she perhaps wasn't that much of a friend after all...

I was disappointed then. And it was hard to continue with the friendship. My husband, always being oh so wise :), told me that it was just a clear sign from Allah (swt) to me, telling me that she is not somebody I should waste more time on. She didn't take the friendship as serious as I did and again she couldn't relate to my reversion to Islam and my marriage. So. That was the end of that story - and I learned another lesson and got even better at understanding others and reading the signs!! Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes you just need to let time pass, to know how things are going to be! And that's the only thing I'm going to do, when it comes to this upcoming engagement party of my friend and her boyfriend. Again Allah (swt) wants to tell me something and I will do my best to read His signs and stop worrying, insha'Allah! But since I don't master this yet, situations like this still leave me with a feeling of loneliness and frustration, when it comes to friendships... Insha'Allah things will change with time.

That's all for now :)

Take care my dear Blogger-friends :)

Alone

I see now that I'm really bad at accepting to be on my own, when I didn't choose it myself...! Right now I actually feel like the chair above, which is leaning towards the other one to just feel a little bit of nearness... My husband has one of these evenings, where he feels like being on his own in the other room. I know I'd never do that when I knew that we were not going to be together tomorrow evening and Saturday day and night because he's off to visit a friend of his. But men seem to be a bit different than women when it comes to the need to spend time alone... They don't really seem to put all the upcoming hours together, where they won't be able to be with their wife and as a result of all these hours, choose to jump right into the arms of their loved one... Hehe. (At least not after years of marriage - or at least not my husband (I love him anyway though!!) :-P).

But well, I always think that everything happens for a reason. And the first thing that popped up in my mind (after feeling a bit disappointed and lonely...) (and I think you should always pay attention to your spontaneous reactions) was that I should offer prairs to Allah (swt), who's by the way ALWAYS there (not to forget and not to underestimate!!!) and I should read Qur'an and then go to sleep :) And of course first post something here - 'cause blogging reduces my feeling of loneliness too - especially when somebody comments. Hehe. Insha'Allah.

The P-word

I'm curious to know how you sisters would handle husbands and their eventual use of pornography!?

Would you get all emotional about it? Or wouldn't it matter to you - 'cause in the end Allah (swt) knows best and everybody will have their suitable punishment?? Would you discuss it in your marriage?

I know some non-muslim's perspectives on this subject, but I'm interested in knowing some sisters' perspectives too, where Islam, of course, has an influence.

There are sooo many men (and women) watching pornography now-a-days. Muslims too of course. And I believe many wives are struggling to accept their (muslim) husbands watching pornography... I find it sad to perform your night prayer, which should be so full of light, insha'Allah, and then go to bed and enter a world so full of darkness - which is how I see pornography.

On xyonline.net Gail Dines quotes it very well: "“In pornography nobody makes love. They all make hate.” The man makes hate to the woman’s body. It’s about the destruction of intimacy". You might want to read the article here:
G. Dines: How “Pornland” destroys intimacy and hijacks sexuality.

Morning Thoughts

Just had yoghurt, the last ginger cookies from this Eid and African rooibush tea for breakfast. I want to try making Sweet Fried Bread, which was what a dear Somali sister gave me a few times this Ramadan. Yummi! It tastes so good!

These days are still diffucult for me because of marital difficulties... But I try to survive it by doing things I like to do and not spending too much time alone thinking and worrying. That usually doesn't help. What our marriage needs is to be defined a-new - and I don't think that is so easy at all. Mm, Allah (swt) will help me insha'Allah. Perhaps some of you out there also experienced something like this? If so: What helped you the most? How did you become closer again and regain the attraction and respect (among other things) towards each other?

Tough Times

I'm going through quite tough times in my marriage...and this is the time, where I need all my trust in Allah (swt)!! And it is difficult..difficult to be a human being and believe that things are going to work out just fine, insha'Allah.
Without going into details, my husband is struggling with some serious things that also affect me and our relationship... I think I need to learn to live my own life more fully and not focus so much on him and us... and pray to Allah (swt) that everything will be all right and my husband will be healed some day. And me too...
If any of you sisters out there have also gone through tough, uncertain and challenging times in your relationships, please share with me, if there was something that helped you keep your head up high and thinking positively.

Tying the Knot

Yesterday I visited a friend of mine, who I hadn't seen or really been in contact with for about a year. Before I used to get a bit annoyed by her, but things seem to have changed now and it was really great to see her again, masha'Allah. In the few hours I saw her I got a whole new picture of the person she also is, Alhamdulillah.
And a few minutes ago she told me that her husband-to-be put a ring on her finger this night, masha'Allah!! He seems like a really kind and warmhearted person. So it's great big news - and my first friend to become engaged :)